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Thursday, December 5th, 2002
10:57 pm
Me and Eve broke up the other day. I'm not sure how I feel. We're still talking to each other, it's not like the breakup between me and Lisa. Look, I don't feel like being all deep and profound today (or any day). Let's just say that I'm feeling pretty shitty right now and I don't feel like talking about it. In other words, everyone can suck my ass.










I need some new friends.

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Friday, November 29th, 2002
8:02 pm
I'm sitting in front of a fucking computer screen while Eve is "chillin" with Pharrell and Chad.

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Sunday, November 24th, 2002
5:34 pm
Damn, it's been a long time. I'm updating for my "boo." Baby, I miss you more than anything. Sometimes I forget to tell you how much I love you but babygirl, know that I do. I do.

We haven't even talked on the phone for a couple of weeks, and it's been over a month since I've seen you. This is like hell for me. I know we're busy people but...I gotta start making some time for my personal life. X-Men is comin out soon, so I've had to do some overseas promotion and all of that bullshit. It's crazy. I have a crazy life, and sometimes it fucking sucks.

Just know that I watch you, okay? I see everything you do. If you're on TV and I'm not home, I tape it. If you're on TV when I am home, I tape it to watch again later. I gotta call you tonight, it's my night off. We gotta talk.

OOCCollapse )

current mood: cranky

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Monday, October 28th, 2002
7:10 pm
I know you saw my fine ass on ET tonight

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Sunday, October 20th, 2002
8:34 pm
I miss you. And, you know, I just...

*sigh*




I love you.

There. I said it.

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Monday, September 30th, 2002
11:51 pm
I've decided that I'm going to update sporadically, but with lots of detail. Hopefully I can get this mother long enough to satisfy, well, me.

First I'd like to say that I don't blame anyone for not reading my entries. Mostly because I don't read yours unless my name is in it or it's really short. It's cool.

Anyway. So, uh. I think Eve and I have been seeing way too much of each other lately. She flies up to see me, I fly up to see her, and on and on. Flew in this morning to surprise her. I'd mentioned multiple times that Beauty and The Beast opens on Broadway October 1st but she didn't seem to catch on. So I get to her place at around 8 am and knock. And knock. And knock. I'm sitting there, waiting on her doorstep, watching people stare at me as they walk by, doing nothing. She doesn't come back until 10. 10! And then she starts bitching at me for not telling her I was coming. So she lets herself into the apartment and thinks she's being witty when she closes the door in my face. Amusing.
So finally I get all my shit inside (all one half of a duffel?) and we hug, kiss, all that mushy couple stuff (shutup, Nelly. I'll kill you). Then she tells me she has more interviews and a photoshoot to do. So basically I've been stuck at her apartment all day by myself. And as soon as she came home she went to sleep. So technically, although she's HERE, she's not really HERE. So I'm updating. And doing nothing. And updating some more. I'm leaving the 2nd which doesn't leave much time. She said she's going to try to clear her schedule for tomorrow, and at the very least she can definitely come to the show with me, so we'll see what happens. I'm not going to be a happy man if I came here for nothing.

What else is going on in my life? I thought Lisa and I had resolved most of our conflicts, but apparently not. Since the night I left to stay at the hotel with Eve she's been keeping Brenna away from me, and she refuses to be home when she knows I will. What kills me the most is that I don't get to see my daughter anymore. I don't even think that's legal. And...my daughter is my life. The only reason Lisa is taking her away from me is spite. It has nothing to do with her loving or caring for the child, it's just to hurt me. Well, good job. How can life be so wonderful and so horrible at the same time?




And just so you all know, Nelly doesn't swing both ways.

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Saturday, September 28th, 2002
6:17 pm
God forbid you update.

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Thursday, September 26th, 2002
7:06 pm
Haven't been here, been busy with Eve for a couple of days. I called her and we discussed everything that was going on between us. I'm not sure if there was a misunderstanding, or possibly hesitation on both of our parts, but thankfully...we've worked through our differences, and..she got a red eye out here. I left Lisa at home with Brenna. She was a little angry that after I'd been so caring towards her that I left to be with my girlfriend...I tried to explain that I will always love her and care for her but...in a different way now, I guess. I've been through some rough decisions lately, and I can only pray that I've made the right choices.

I said girlfriend. That is just a...great word. I haven't said the word girlfriend in like...8 years. And now look at me. We are the weirdest couple ever. I get real mushy when I'm first entering a relationship. Lisa used to complain about it when we started dating. So, yeah, Eve and me have been chillin for a while. We go clubbing, we go to movies, we hole ourselves up in the room for hours. I love being with her. I do. I love being with her.

current mood: happy

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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
9:04 pm
Shit, that bitch wants to play it that way? True. Well here's what really went down. I fuckin left her house at fuckin 3 am in the morning because I get a call that my wife is fuckin in the hospital. What the hell else am I supposed to do? Shit, am I supposed to stay in NY and wait till she fuckin dies? No. So I leave Eve a note and hop on a red eye. I get back and she's in the hospital for a few days and I'm takin care of her and comfortin her. Do I have a fucking second to call Eve? No. Jesus fuckin Christ, I'm in the damn hospital. So I get home yesterday and the first thing I fuckin do is call her. I haven't even picked up my daughter from my parents yet, I fuckin call Eve first. She fuckin blows the hell up at me for not calling, not even givin me a chance to explain. What the hell is that shit? I ain't even gonna go into what happened next, cause that shit is fucked up. I tell the bitch that I don't wanna mess around with her anymore, that I wanna settle my ass down wit her and she blows the fuck up. Sayin she's gonna get people on my ass, she's gonna beat the fuck out of me, she never liked me anyway, I was just an excuse to stay at home, mad other shit that makes no sense. Bitch is crazy. That's all I gotta say.




God. I'm not even making sense right now. I gotta switch modes and get back to typing like a regular human being. Jesus Christ. My life.

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Sunday, September 22nd, 2002
10:57 pm
If you know of an opening in a whorehouse, let Eve know.

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2:38 pm
Hey all. Sorry that I haven't been around for a while but...there's just so much on my mind. I had to leave Eve pretty abruptly on the 19th because Lisa called to tell me she was in the hospital. I took a red eye flight back to LA to be with her. She's still in the hospital but the docs say she'll be released tomorrow, which is SUCH a relief. It's been so hard, seeing her laying there, all these machines beeping around her constantly. And I feel so helpless. All I can do is sit there and watch, hold her hand, and smile, pretending that I know everything is going to be fine. The truth of the matter is that I just don't know. I hope to god that she'll be perfect again soon. Brenna needs her and...I do too.

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Sunday, September 15th, 2002
1:46 pm
Not sure what to think. Talked to lisa_marsden last night and it was like a completely different person. She wants to work things out, all that other bullshit. I don't know. I'm going to see eve_jeffers in a few hours and..I know that I have feelings for her. I do. Lisa is confusing the hell out of me right now. I don't know if she's a complete two faced weirdo or if she really has changed. I'm a bit scared to leave Brenna with her mother for so long but...it was bound to happen. Lisa IS her mother.

I really don't know. Is Lisa only making this complete turn around because her nasty sugar daddy dumped the hell out of her? We've been together almost 8 years. Do I want to throw it all away? Do I want to throw my friendship with Eve away? No and no. But I'm going to have to choose. Things change so quickly in life. So quickly that if you don't look carefully you won't even notice until it comes back and bites you in the ass. Do I love Eve? No. But do I love Lisa? I don't know. That area is so foggy that it's hard to tell. I know that it's faded quite a bit, and I know that..ever since I began my friendship with Eve that I want to develop it into something more. I don't even know if she feels the same way. She mentioned settling down, but with someone like me?

Lisa scares me sometimes. My sweet, loving, beautiful wife can turn into a crazed, angry, instigative, violent lunatic. Although last night she was quite calm and caring...will she be the same tonight when I call to speak to Brenna? I'm going to have to find out, and that thought is frightening. I don't want to have to deal with that. I know that the way she is has to do with me, what I've done to her during the years we've been together, but...I still don't know if I can take it.

I'm scared. And alone.

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, September 14th, 2002
4:02 pm
So my wife, Lisa, got an LJ. lisa_marsden. I'm not positive what to think about this. Maybe she can join the "James Haters of The Universe" club. Regardless, I'm sure this will make for an interesting spin on the perception of my life. I have nothing more to say about this subject at the moment.

I'm going to visit eve_jeffers tomorrow. She's in NY and I'm in LA and I figured that since I've gotten a few days off and have nothing better to do I might as well have some fun with a good friend. I was going to surprise her but I was talking to her last night and I have a big mouth. I really should think before I speak. Eve is...Eve. Please stop with the questions. I don't know.

current mood: amused

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Friday, September 13th, 2002
8:35 pm
My birthday is in 5 days.









I wish someone would care! *sniffle*

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Thursday, September 12th, 2002
10:00 pm
You get sort of desensitized to a tragedy after hearing about it every single day for a year.




I'm not going to make plans with Parker to go out while she's in LA. I'm busy anyway.

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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
11:01 pm
A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake.





I know.

current mood: sick

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Monday, September 9th, 2002
10:28 pm
God. I don't understand some people.

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3:02 pm
I've come to terms with the fact that my pending divorce is my fault. It was my idea to begin an open relationship, my idea to make new friends, my idea to pull away. I realize that I've made both of us into what we are. The thing that kills me inside is that I don't think Lisa knows how much I really did love her at one point in our lives. Things have changed, but I still have feelings for her. We've been together for almost 8 years and living a life without her was absolutely unfathomable to me up until about 2 years ago. If I hadn't been so damned stupid, so damned lazy, so damned HORNY...things wouldn't have turned out the way they are. We'd still be in love. We'd still cuddle and talk and make love every night. We haven't been together in a year. It's my fault she's become the anal recluse that she is. I stepped on all of her boundaries, crossed so many lines that it eventually drove her to her current state of mind. Had I been a little more considerate, had I listened a little more, had I THOUGHT before I acted...we wouldn't be here. We'd be happy. I still love her in some ways, but it's not the same. Things change. People change. I've changed. I don't think it's for the better.

Thank god for big houses. Thank god for the guest room. I would've been sleeping on the couch for the past 2 months had we had a small apartment. My daughter got scared and started calling for me last night, so I brought her back into "my" room and rubbed her back until she fell asleep. She's so beautiful when she's asleep. Like an angel. Not that she isn't beautiful when she's awake. It's just different kinds of beautifuls. A hyper, crazy, constant smiling beauty and a sleeping calm beauty. She's beautiful. If there is one thing in life that will always stay the same it will be my love for my daughter. I will make sure that she always knows that she was conceived out of love, and nothing else. She was a lovely surprise and I will always cherish the day she came into my life. If there's one reason I don't regret wasting away my 20s with Lisa, it is definitely her. She's a daddy's girl and that's fine with me. They grow up to fast.

current mood: blank

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Sunday, September 8th, 2002
2:32 am
Excuse my new icons. I KNOW that they suck.

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1:35 am
Ok, first of all, I'm not even in the mood to update but it's been a while. Don't expect some profound entry. Don't even expect a decent one. Lots of shit going on that I don't want to talk about. I don't think I've even told anyone an inkling about my life except for Parker. And I'm not pimping her LJ because she didn't pimp mine.

I AM going to pimp a couple of people right now. I promised that I would mention them in an entry a while back but I'm just now getting around to it. I'll get to the important things later. If I forgot you and I told you you could be my bitch, lemme know and I'll mention you in my next entry. Here we go. brian__molko for welcoming me. He's the only cool person in this entire community besides me. dan_estrin, s_johansson, teddythompson, and so many more. If I listed you and you weren't supposed to be pimped it's because you were on my friends list and I couldn't remember. There were LOTS more people, including Rain, and the rest I can't remember.

Now, now, now. Where am I? Before I go into my life I would just like to say...Don't you hate it when you hang out with someone, or you talk to someone for a long time, or you become friends with someone, or you associate with someone and they don't mention you in their journal EVER? Maybe I'm an attention whore but dammit, if you want to have a profound conversation with me you damn well better mention me in your next update. :) That is all.

So on Tuesday I went for a workout with tobey_maguire. That bastard is cut like a piece of steak. Damn. His girl is a lucky one. But yeah, I enjoyed myself. It's been a long time since I've gone to a gym and just worked all the stress off. Felt pretty good. We'll have to make plans again. But no hitting on me again, Tobey! It makes me feel uncomfortable and violated. I don't like you like that. GOD!

I went with eve_jeffers to the premiere of Barbershop, but stayed out of the limelight. I don't even want to know what people would have thought if they had seen us together. I don't even think I saw half the movie, though. Every time I attempted to look at the screen I'd feel Eve's hand moving farther up my thigh. We went back to her place afterwards and "chilled." Good times. She's...a fantastic person. We made plans to go see Jamie Lynn Siegler on her opening night on Broadway. That's going to be a lot of fun. Both of them are in New York right now, unfortunately. I miss Eve. She bought me "Hooked On Ebonics." And she gets horny from my Oklahomian accent. That's always a plus.

My daughter's first day of preschool was the other day. Parker asked me who cried more- me or her. It made me think a little bit. I'm losing my baby. Soon she's going to be all big and grown and not need daddy anymore. Maybe I'll keep working out with Spiderman just so I can keep bulked up for when I meet her boyfriends. It's sad, though, because I know she'll never have a normal life. Between me, her mother, our careers, and our relationships...nothing is sane in her life. Her mother is an introverted bitch who keeps to herself and refuses to allow my daughter to leave her side. I'm...I don't even know what I am. I feel bad for her. For them. My wife and daughter. My wife is pitiful and my beautiful daughter has to grow up in that shadow. And Lisa doesn't understand that the umbilical cord was cut three years ago.

Jamie Lynn's a nice person. I'm glad I talk to her. And to anyone who cares...I will beat the FUCK out of you if you hurt her. You know who you are.

Did I forget anyone? I'm sorry if I did. Like I said, I wasn't exactly in the mood to update. I'm a bit confused. A bit? Who the hell am I kidding? I'm a small fish in a big pond and I can't handle it. My love life is going every which way, and I can feel myself changing. How so? I have no idea. It's like evolving from a monkey into a man. But 20 times as fast. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. But life is life, and I'll get over it. For the most part I DO enjoy myself, maybe today is just a bit off.



Don't forget to see X-Men 2!

current mood: contemplative

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